Strategies to Manage Social Anxiety During the Holidays

The holidays are a wonderful time for so many people, but for those struggling with social anxiety it can be challenging. You want to be excited for all the gatherings, but dealing with all the social situations can be tough. You want to see and do everything but your anxiety sometimes has other ideas.

Here are some of my favorite strategies to help you get through this time and maybe even enjoy it a little bit. With all of these, it helps to conceptualize how this will work in the moment. It will mean thinking about the event ahead of time to give yourself strategies to use in the moment. Thinking through anxiety-inducing situations (this is different than overthinking) allows your brain to develop solutions for when you need them.

Be ok to say “no”

It seems like the holiday season is inundated with gatherings, parties, events and expectations. You have permission to say “no” to things. If something is going to compromise your mental health, it is ok to say no. It may make someone else upset, just remember your feelings matter too. Remember, you are in control of what you do and you are not in control of someone else’s response to what you do.

Prioritize what you want to do. Sometimes things are too much, and that is ok. You don’t have to attend every event. Saying yes to everyone but yourself can be exhausting. Make time for your priorities and goals.

Set a time when you have to leave.

You do not have to stay at an event because others are. For some, gatherings are energizing, but for you it may be the opposite. The time you set to leave could be predetermined where you decide to only stay for an hour or it can be when you notice your signs of being mentally drained. When you reach the point at an event where you are being mentally drained, it is ok to have to leave. You don’t need to give anyone an explanation. You have other commitments and that is ok. You might be thinking “I have no other commitments” but that would be wrong. You have a commitment to prioritizing your mental health. When you have had your fill, you can head out. You have permission to leave when you are ready and go home and take a nice bath or watch some Christmas movies.

If you are going to the event with someone, its helpful to discuss this with them ahead of time. You can come up with a signal for when it is time to leave if you want.

Set your boundaries

Gatherings are great, but sometimes it seems to invite people to make you uncomfortable.  When you think about a particular event, do you imagine a certain person(s) invading your space, making unnecessary comments, voicing strong political opinions, etc? Think through your responses to these ahead of time.

Examples: “I don’t appreciate that.” “I prefer to keep my political opinions to myself.” “Let’s agree to disagree.” “Can you step back? You are really close to me right now.” “I don’t feel like talking about that right now.”

If you know the specific boundary that is most likely to be crossed by another, practice ahead of time what responses you could have in that moment. You can even decide to simply walk away. Not everyone has the same boundaries and that is ok. Remember, your boundaries are your boundaries. It is ok to speak out when someone crosses them.

Conversation Planning

Another stressor might be thinking about what to say or ask. Even if it is hard to share about yourself, it is definitely ok to talk about yourself. Start thinking through anything new that has changed for you, if there have been any funny moments or deep thoughts you have had lately. You can find a funny video that you want to share with someone. Again, It is alright to talk about yourself.

Examples: “I tried this great new recipe…”My pet did the craziest thing the other day…” “I started this new hobby…” “I have been thinking of traveling to…”

The reverse of that, asking questions can also be challenging in the moment with someone staring at you. Start ahead of time by thinking through different questions to open up conversation.

Examples: “Do you have any new projects going on at work? Tell me about them.” “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?” “Have you seen any new movies lately?”

If all else fails, “How about them Chiefs?”

Write out both your facts about yourself and questions you want to ask before the event. You can even practice this in the mirror ahead of time as silly as it may sound it will increase your ability to remember. It will also help you feel more relaxed knowing you have options to keep the conversation going.

Implement a coping skills plan

When you pre-plan to use a coping skill, you are more likely to put it into practice. It could be deep breathing, using a fidget, holding a cup of hot coffee, sitting by your comfort person, taking some time away from everyone, or focusing on different objects around the room. Every person is different, so find whichever coping skill works for you and do it! Give yourself space to cope.

Prior to the event you can take this a step farther. As an art prompt, “draw yourself and then give you what you need.” The point of this is not to create a beautiful drawing, (stick figures are absolutely ok) and you don’t have to show this to anyone. The point is to create a visual representation of what you need during this event. You could need patience, energy, peace, fun, time. This might seem silly to you, but many have found this technique to be very beneficial for them.

The holidays can be fun and enjoyable when you prioritize your mental health, prepare for situations and set healthy boundaries.